Set on a new path...

I went to the Women's Retreat this last weekend. It's difficult to describe in words how good it was. "Wonderful" and "amazing" just don't seem to cut it. I guess "life-changing" is the best I can do.

Originally, I really wasn't interested in going, since being around excessive "girliness" doesn't really appeal to me. I guess in thinking it over, I really don't mind "girly", it's just fakeness, cattiness, and cliques that really bother me, and I've experienced that a lot at women's events. I'd already made up my mind that I wasn't going to expect a lot out of this retreat, I was just going to hang out with friends and enjoy the beach. In fact, by the time I'd gotten to Cannon Beach, I had already developed the worst cynical attitude ever. When we got to our room, I turned to Cassandra and said, "You know there are gonna be a lot of emotional women here, right?" Little did I know! At the first session the first thing the speaker (Her name is Stephanie Fast, and she is amazing!) did was look out over all of us, and with so much compassion said, "There's a lot of pain in this room." Of course, the tears started flowing! It was like God had gently popped me on the mouth for my attitude, grabbed my shoulders, turned me around and said, "You knock it off, change your attitude, and listen." She had an amazing story that would take to much to go into right now, but it wasn't her story that impressed me, it was how everything about her was about Jesus. With every word, even down to the way she carried herself she exuded Jesus. You knew that she was in love with her Savior, and her purpose was to set others on the path to know him as she did. One of the things she said really stuck with me. "Nothing in your life was a mistake." It had been so easy for me to look at all that had happened to me and all I had done, and even all I was, and wonder why. Why did these things happen? How come I couldn't get myself together? If only I were different! But none of that was a mistake! God knows what He's doing. And it was even more amazing to know that even when I sin, God is right there grieving that I'm sinning, but still loving me. Nothing I can do can separate me from Him! I knew the content of Ps. 139:7-12, and Rom. 8:38-39, but it didn't truly make sense to me that nothing, not even myself, can separate me from Christ's love! I belong to Him, and He will complete the work He's begun in me!

On Saturday night, after Stephanie taught, she opened it up for anyone to come and kneel at the front and pray. I knew that God wanted me up there, so I went. So did many other ladies, but I was really tense at first, because all I could focus on was the thought of everyone looking at me. But as the leaders began to pray over us, I couldn't hold it in anymore. I just let go, and there I was, just me at the feet of my heavenly Father, letting go of my control, of trying to hold myself together and acting like everything was okay when it wasn't. I gave myself to Him without the pretense of having it all together so that I would somehow be considered good enough or worthy to serve Him. All I could do was be on my face and cry, because I knew what I was and I could hardly comprehend that He wanted me just like I was. And in that moment, He spoke to my heart: "Now, I can use you." Not because I had somehow become instantly good enough; but because I wasn't good enough! I could now never say that I had ever done anything for Him. He was the one who did the work, and he wanted to show Himself through me, an imperfect vessel, who had hurt Him so many times! I am amazed at Who He is, and I know I am changed, inside. I just wanted to share this in hopes that He changes you, too!

Yesterday was such a great day. It started out on more of a funny note. On Wednesday night, I got the giblets from the turkey and boiled them to set aside for the cats. However, while they were cooking, the water had boiled over. I didn't think much of it, and forgot to clean it up. Yesterday morning, Cassandra came out to cook some breakfast, turned the burner on, and the "liver water" that was dried up in the bottom of the burner started "cooking". It let out this awful stench that smelled much like cat urine, hehe. Needless to say, I was promptly ordered to scub out the burner... Other than that, everything else went great! We have a friend of Cassandra's and mine staying over the weekend (Shawntal). We just had a great time remembering and talking over the hardships we've been through, and being thankful of where God has us now. We had all been roommates previously and had been through financial difficulties, and an eviction together, among other things. But it's so awesome to see where God has us now, and what He's been doing in our lives. We all truly have so much to be thankful for!

grieving...is it silly?

Today I was browsing craigslist for furniture that I need for my bedroom and unexpectedly found myself dealing with hurt, anger, and grief. Many of the pieces of furniture that I came across were very similar to the furniture I had to leave behind in Washington when I moved back to Oregon. (That's a whole different story that I don't have time to go into now) The lady I was staying with prior to moving here didn't prove to be as caring as she made herself out to be and, well, long story short, I had to move out quicker than was expected, and had no way of moving all of my furniture out when I left. She was not present the day I moved out, so I left a note regarding all the things I left behind informing her that as soon as I was settled and had the means to move them out, I would contact her. I didn't have a phone at the time, so I gave her my email address. Unfortunately, it would seem she wanted my things for herself, since several months later, when I tried to reach her, her phone was disconnected, and when I tried to go back to her place to retrieve it, it was all gone. She had moved out, and I had no idea where she moved to. It's been a couple of years, and I've tried to make myself okay, knowing that I most likely will never see any of it again, but in being honest with myself, I'm not okay. I know I shouldn't make such a big deal out of material things, and normally I wouldn't, but some of these were precious as they were gifts from people I love, or had memories attached to them, like the desk I got for my birthday the year I moved out, or the hope chest I got for graduation full of precious things like my favorite stuffed animals, pictures, momentos, and my scrapbook that had all of my baby pictures in it. This all shouldn't matter, but it does...and I'm asking God to help me...first to get over it, second, to be able to truly forgive, because, honestly, when I think of this woman, the only feeling that comes is anger and hate. Help me, LORD!

Had a dream last night...it was most likely one of those silly dreams, not one that you're like, "Oooohh...what does it mean?", but it contained in it three things that are on my mind and in my heart pretty frequently: end times, Preston, and marriage. I dreamed it was the beginning of the tribulation, and there was a group of us that was setting up a hideout in an abandoned store. We got raided and about half of the group was hauled off by police. The rest of us had managed to hide, and so had escaped. Some of the people in our group were from church, the rest were people that I can't say I recognize, but in the dream, I knew them. We were just coming out from our spots after the raid, when Preston shows up at the door. We were all shocked, cuz we thought he was dead, but it turned out that the accident was a cover, and that he had been in hiding preparing for the tribulation! I know, really weird, huh? If only... After that, we continued setting up our hideout, and I met this guy who was part of our group, and well, we just looked at each other and knew that God had planned for us to be together... All of this is sounding really, REALLY silly now that I'm reading it on my screen, but the dream itself seemed to make perfect sense :) Be that as it may, the dream left me with a sense of hope for the future, whatever God has planned, even if it means renovating an old store in a strip mall, hehe. I don't even know why I'm putting all this down, but hey, this was on my mind today. I know that God will prepare me for whatever trials and difficulties come my way, that one day, I will see Preston again, along with my God and Savior, and that God willing, I will meet the man he's chosen for me. That's all folks!

hmm...I've been feeling particularly negative lately, so I think the purpose of this blog will be to kick that attitude and be thankful. What am I thankful for...my friends and family definitely, my church family...my Father God and my Lord Jesus Christ. I'm so thankful to have been rescued; to have been given freedom from the enslavement of sin. It's so easy for people to throw those phrases around, but it means something to me. I think of where I could be if it weren't for Jesus. I probably would have at least a couple of kids running around as a result of premarital sex, and very possibly be married to someone that I regretted marrying. Those of you who know me probably think that doesn't sound anything like me, but it's true. Without Christ, that would be the logical conclusion to the sinful thoughts and desires in my own heart. It's amazing how none of us look that good in light of our own sinful thoughts and desires. Others may not see, but if we're honest with ourselves, we know the kind of people we are, and so does God. Yep. Rescued. That's how I see myself. And it amazes me that no matter how many times I mess things up, God never gives up on me. I always know he's there, encouraging me to get up and keep going. I love communicating with him. I can tell him when I've messed up, or how I'm feeling. I can pour out my fears and worries, and know that he'll give me peace. I have peace know that if I trust him, and keep seeking him, he'll bring me closer to him and daily mold me into who he wants me to be. I look forward to the day when I'll be with him. Life on this earth does not have such a hold on me that I'm afraid to die and be with my Lord. THAT is true life; the life we have been looking for our entire existence on this planet. How all my problems and worries pale in comparison to that thought! I love you Lord, sooo much!

hello!

Hi! I'm so glad you're reading this...I didn't ever think I'd start one of these, but I am now cuz myspace stinks and was too much of a hassle. Therefore, I am using this and facebook to keep everyone up to date. Currently, I am enjoying some tomato soup and some grill cheese sandwiches that my totally awesome friend Carrie made for me. There's nothing better to eat, especially when it's cold outside and I'm kinda sick. Anyway, this is just a starter blog; I do write more serious ones....so keep checking in!